Good afternoon, lovelies! Hope you all had a glorious, love-filled Valentine’s Day. Stuffed teddy bears, candy hearts and expensive dinners aside, I hope you were able to feel the love in some way or another.
Speaking of love, I recently started “reading” (well, listening) to The 5 Love Languages on Audible as recommended by a friend. Sure I’ve taken the test in the past to discover my love language (which I found fascinating!) but wanted to dig a little deeper and see what the book was all about.
I must say, I’m 8 chapters in and can’t put the book down take my headphones off! It’s no wonder I was always so fascinated with Psychology and relationships throughout highschool and college. Perhaps that’s why I started off as a relationship blogger…which I’m so glad I put in the past (that’s a whole ‘nother story for another time!)
So what’s this whole love language thing about, anyway? Written by relationship counselor Dr. Gary Chapman, the book discusses how we communicate through 5 primary love languages: words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, gifts and physical touch.
The catch is that we all have different love languages, meaning what works for one may not work for another (similar to the concept of bio-individuality). This very fact is what Chapman believes to be the reason behind many divorces, and also the key to love that lasts.
You see, most of us tend to speak the love language that we prefer, although that may not be the love language of our partner. For example, if your primary love language is words of affirmation (like me!) you may show you partner you love them by saying “I love you!” and leaving cute notes around the house or in their lunchbox. On the flip side, if their main love language is acts of service (like my man’s) all the mushy gushy notes in the world aren’t going to make up for the fact that there’s a sink full of dirty dishes.
See the problem here? No worries, there is indeed a solution. Once we learn to speak our partner’s love language, you can begin to truly be heard and improve your relationship.
After taking the quiz, I found my primary love languages — no surprise here!– to be words of affirmation and quality time. My man’s on the other hand was a mix between acts of service (number 1) and quality time. We both had some physical touch as well, though it didn’t weigh as strong, while gift-giving wasn’t too important to either of us.
“So J, what are some chores you’d like me to do more of?” I slyly asked while he was watching a James Bond movie. (Keep in mind: this is after I already forced him to hit pause to take the love language quiz. What a guy!)
“Huh? I don’t know…nothing really. I don’t want you to have to do anything, we’re both equal and can both pitch in. Plus, I’ll always do the dishes since I know you hate doing them.”
Well isn’t that sweet…but I knew he wasn’t telling the full truth.
“I can learn to love doing them… or at least do them for you!” I exclaimed. Boy wants acts of service, I was determined to do some acts of service.
“Well, I guess it’d be nice if you put away the dry ones when you have time.”
That I can do! We were on the right path. Also, since we both had such a strong scoring of “Quality Time,” I suggested we get back to doing our weekly date nights (which we put a slight pause on due to the cold weather) and make a list of activities we’d enjoy doing together like yoga, hiking and concerts.
I was beginning to feel like a relationship therapist. But the thing is, there’s nothing wrong with our marriage at all (heck, we’re newlyweds!) but like anything it can always be better. And that’s something I always want to strive toward.
Now it’s your turn! Find this stuff as fascinating as I do? You can discover your own love language here! What’s your primary love language(s), and what do you think is your partner’s? Were you surprised at all? How can you begin to implement speaking in your partner’s love language to improve your relationship?